Imagination and perception
at the same time
As long as we are not aware that we are living in our thoughts and in our idea of what should happen and how, we are also not open to what is really happening in the moment. Projections are imagined mental images not based on reality. It is not possible to imagine and perceive at the same time.
More on the subject Imagination and perception don’t work at the same time can be found here …
How often does it happen that we are only partly or half aware of something and immediately fit it into our own ideas? For example, once I think my daughter is ignoring me, I then judge the situation that actually happened differently. I judge her behavior based on experiences of the past, instead of being open and perceiving what is really happening in the now.
Nothing happens exactly like it did before because my child and I are also different each time. So every moment with each other is new and fresh.
And if I manage to accept every moment as it is, without prejudgment, I have no reason whatsoever to get annoyed.
This does not mean that all kinds of a child’s behavior should be tolerated. It means that my attitude and ability to set limits comes from a place of love, respect, and compassion, not from anger, fear, or pain.
More on the subject of Setting limits can be found here …
We want to change our child’s behavior —
but we can only change
As in a relationship between a couple, it is common to put the blame on the other. But wanting to change other people to fit in with our own ideas is an endless undertaking. And what good does it do me if I am convinced that it was not me but my child who started the conflict? What I actually want is a lively, authentic relationship and not a child trained like a circus animal.
Feeling guilty and ashamed when I lose my composure and shout loudly only keeps my self-esteem low, further distancing myself from the deep connection I long for.
What can I do now
In order to be able to change myself, I must first make a deliberate decision. I decide: I want to keep my heart open in all situations. Also in conflict situations, I don’t want to react by pushing away but rather by turning to. I want to use my strength to create a loving life together and not use it to fight against each other.
Although we don’t want to, we often work against each other in everyday life — even though we all ultimately want to be able to enjoy a peaceful and loving togetherness.
What direction should I then take to de-escalate my emotions? Where should I begin?
While looking for answers I am firstly helped by a growing feeling of my inner experience and listening into my body:
What am I actually feeling now? Do I feel light and mobile or do I rather feel limited and rigid?
How am I breathing?
Are my shoulders relaxed or tense?
How is my contact with the ground?
Then, I listen into my mind:
When am I lost in thought and what am I thinking?
Do I feel sufficiently recognised and appreciated?
When do I lose my composure?
Why am I so mad that a person I love isn’t listening to me? Is this about something else? Can I really be this mad about her not brushing her teeth the second I want her to? Why is this such a trigger for me? By identifying the trigger, more awareness creates the vitality and uniqueness of every moment with the child.