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When conflicts arise with my
child and on my decision
to act from the heart
A personal account by Pia Doegl,
founder of beginning well
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Beginning well
Podcast
Series
Listen to our first podcast on the topic Resolving Conflicts with Love, including an invitation to more self-awareness.
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Find Nourishing Support for YOURSELF and your Family and join our Beginning Well Everyday community! We are looking forward to seeing you there.
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I didn’t know I
could shout
so loud
I’ve never shouted so loud in my life as in conflict situations with our daughter.
Knowing very well that children’s behavior can be unbalanced and impulsive up to around their seventh year and that they are not really ready for intellectual arguments, I nevertheless sometimes lose my composure in everyday life. This especially happens when I am pressed for time or low on energy.
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Different than expected
Looked at more closely, I lose my composure when I expect certain behavior from my child, but she behaves differently to how I want. A recent example: It’s bedtime and I ask my daughter to come to the bathroom, so we can brush her teeth. But she is in her play and needs to feed her doll just right before she can move on to the next task. She is just not as quick as I would love her to be.
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The young child is
still living completely
in the moment
We adults can seldom be as engrossed and lively as a young child living in the moment.
Planning things, thinking in advance and having to get things done by a certain time is part of our everyday life.
But a vibrant daily life together is full of surprises: it just cannot be planned.
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Consciously experience
what is going on
inside
The fact that we adults can act with foresight and planning is one of our greatest abilities. Only in this way can we come to meaningful decisions, for example determining what is good for the development of a child.
Nevertheless, to live a mindful life together we have to be able to distinguish: Am I seeing my own idea in my head or am I actually experiencing what is really going on now? We need to be able to distinguish projections vs. reality.
For example, when I am telling my daughter that we need to brush her teeth now and she is not coming after some seconds, I start to think she is ignoring or trying to provoke me.
But a child this age just lives in the moment and is absorbed in her own doing. In fact, when I look at her, she’s tenderly taking care of her baby…why would she rush? Perhaps she is testing how far she can go, but she is definitely not ignoring me or trying to provoke me on purpose.
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Imagination and perception
don’t work
at the same time
As long as we are not aware that we are living in our thoughts and in our idea of what should happen and how, we are also not open to what is really happening in the moment. Projections are imagined mental images not based on reality. It is not possible to imagine and perceive at the same time.
More on the subject Imagination and perception don’t work at the same time can be found here …
How often does it happen that we are only partly or half aware of something and immediately fit it into our own ideas? For example, once I think my daughter is ignoring me, I then judge the situation that actually happened differently. I judge her behavior based on experiences of the past, instead of being open and perceiving what is really happening in the now.
Nothing happens exactly like it did before because my child and I are also different each time. So every moment with each other is new and fresh.
And if I manage to accept every moment as it is, without prejudgment, I have no reason whatsoever to get annoyed.
This does not mean that all kinds of a child’s behavior should be tolerated. It means that my attitude and ability to set limits comes from a place of love, respect, and compassion, not from anger, fear, or pain.
More on the subject of Setting limits can be found here …
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We want to change our child’s behavior —
but we can only change
ourselves
As in a relationship between a couple, it is common to put the blame on the other. But wanting to change other people to fit in with our own ideas is an endless undertaking. And what good does it do me if I am convinced that it was not me but my child who started the conflict? What I actually want is a lively, authentic relationship and not a child trained like a circus animal.
Feeling guilty and ashamed when I lose my composure and shout loudly only keeps my self-esteem low, further distancing myself from the deep connection I long for.
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What can I do now
to change
myself?
The decision
In order to be able to change myself, I must first make a deliberate decision. I decide: I want to keep my heart open in all situations. Also in conflict situations, I don’t want to react by pushing away but rather by turning to. I want to use my strength to create a loving life together and not use it to fight against each other.
Although we don’t want to, we often work against each other in everyday life — even though we all ultimately want to be able to enjoy a peaceful and loving togetherness.
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Growing awareness
What direction should I then take to de-escalate my emotions? Where should I begin?
While looking for answers I am firstly helped by a growing feeling of my inner experience and listening into my body:
What am I actually feeling now? Do I feel light and mobile or do I rather feel limited and rigid?
How am I breathing?
Are my shoulders relaxed or tense?
How is my contact with the ground?
Then, I listen into my mind:
When am I lost in thought and what am I thinking?
Do I feel sufficiently recognised and appreciated?
When do I lose my composure?
Why am I so mad that a person I love isn’t listening to me? Is this about something else? Can I really be this mad about her not brushing her teeth the second I want her to? Why is this such a trigger for me? By identifying the trigger, more awareness creates the vitality and uniqueness of every moment with the child.
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An Invitation to more
self-awareness can be
found here …
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Step by step —
only practise
makes progress
As soon as I begin to ask such questions I am already on my way. And even if I don’t find answers immediately it is possible that things become clearer and I can experience them with more awareness.
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Impatience
prevents all
progress
I shouldn’t expect a quick result. The following question helps me to remain patient: How long have I been familiar with these inner states that I now want to change? My answer is A Long Time.
Even if we sometimes find our inner development uncomfortable or perhaps even demanding or we have the feeling that we are making no progress, the solution can never be to give up because we did not start on this journey to abandon it. Life is the journey!
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It’s all a question of attitude
I cannot control how my child behaves. But what I can control is how I react.
My attitude is therefore fundamental: I can use everything that happens to me as a chance to practice my set aim of acting out of love and not out of annoyance.
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Helpful preconditions
for further
development
Along with the attitude of using every situation as a chance to practise my aim, I have found the following characteristics helpful:
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Observing myself
Each time when I feel my hackles rising I can ask myself: Well what’s coming up in me here again?
I find it helpful that just by asking this question I take up the position of an observer and can then more easily step out of the “drama loop”.
Only when I come out of my inner limitation can I ask myself: What do I want? Do I want to react like a fury or should my actions come from the heart?
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Pause and reflect
I can always pause and reflect for a moment during the day, close my eyes and feel my breathing. Being aware of my breathing calms me down and lets me take a new look at external events.
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A matter of the heart
How does it feel when I am in my heart? How strong do I feel there?
If I manage to enter the space of my heart in a conflict situation, my perception also changes:
Tightness and rigidity dissolve, limits widen.
My body becomes softer, my hands warmer, my breathing more regular.
My thoughts also open.
Such qualities also inevitably transfer themselves to others who are present.
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Courage
Why is my courage sometimes hesitant? When I feel my inner workings I come to the conclusion that courage can also include danger: courage or pluckiness means that I am confident in myself and am able to risk something and to enter a situation that involves uncertainties: the uncertainty not to be liked, loved, recognized and appreciated by everybody and consequently not to belong, to be excluded and therefore alone.
If that is clear to me I can ask myself: And does this risk, this danger change anything about my decision to acting out of love and not out of annoyance? I consciously answer: No.
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The power
to
love
Life with a child brings us unlimited possibilities to become aware of unconscious anxieties and traumas but also the deepest joys.
Only in our relationship with others can we grow beyond ourselves and develop our greatest power — the power to love.
As a mother, I see it as my task to find my individual way to this source of power and practise it in everyday situations, especially in moments of conflict or stress.
When we start from a place of love we give without expecting to receive. Children are our greatest and most amiable examples.
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How should I react when my child is aggressive?
More can be found here ...
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